she's a big girl now

Eden had been sleeping in our bed since who knows how long, and it got to a point where it was actually getting harder, than it was easy.
Strange as that may seem; at least it was to us.

I knew the day would come, I mean come on, she's almost two.
I honestly would lay with her every night until she fell asleep. I didn't mind. I loved the one-on-one time we got, but it was hard that she needed me. No one else could do it. It worked for a long time, until shortly before our move. She would wake numerous times a night, and if I wasn't cuddled right next to her, there were problems. I was becoming more and more exhausted, and knew the time was quickly approaching.

preparation.

In preparation for this, I had done a lot of research on a way that felt right for me.
I fell upon a page on Facebook called, Janet Landsbury-Elevating Childcare. I honestly don't know much about her background, other than the fact that she's written some books, has some degrees, and what she says actually works. I had been reading her page for a few months and had tried many things she suggested, all with positive outcomes. Her main philosophy is respectful parenting. This really resonated with me. One day, she posted a guest article about sleep, and once I read it, I knew instantly that when the time came to adjust our sleeping arrangements, this would be how I would do it: Allowing Crying, Without Practicing Cry-It-Out.

Cause we all know what happened when we did try that method.

practice run.

We moved into our new place, and there were a lot of adjustments that were being made for all three of us. I decided we would wait two weeks before committing to the process. In the mean time, introduced her to her bedroom. Her bedroom, and only hers. I introduced her to her crib; this is your bed, just for Eden. (Which she loved, in this picture, she's pretending to be a lion, Roar!)



After the first week of that, we spent the next week doing a run through. In the middle of the day, while playing in the room, I would sit in the rocker with her and tell her exactly what was going to happen:

Eden, this is our chair and this is your room.

Mommy and daddy are going to sleep in mommy and daddy's room.

This room, and this bed is just for you.

We'll sit in this chair, and for nap time and bedtime, I'll rock you in this chair.

We'll read a book, nurse, I'll sing you songs, and we'll say a prayer.

Then (while walking her over to the crib and laying her down), I'll lay you down in your crib.

Here is your whale and your donkey (her loveys, which has developed to an entire zoo).

You are a big, brave and smart girl.

You know how to fall asleep all by yourself.

I know it will be hard, but you are so smart, I know you can do it.

I believe in you.

Then I'll kiss your head, and say Goodnight, I love you.
Then I'll leave, and you'll fall asleep all by yourself.

I'll be there and you'll let me know if you need me.




I'd then take her out and it was a pretty painless process, to be honest. Which was part of the reason I knew she was ready. When we had tried before, she wouldn't even go near the crib, touch it, and boy, if she went in it was a massive thunderstorm. But this time, the crib didn't bother her. She just looked at me and listened to everything I had to say.

game time...

DAY ONE:

Nap time was upon us. I was honestly really nervous. I didn't have the best experience with "sleep training" nor did Eden. If this turned out to be any sort of water work show, It'd be back to the drawing board in a matter of seconds.

We did just as we rehearsed. We read a book as I rocked her, nursed, sang her a song and said a prayer. Now for the hard part. I knew I had to speak confidently, and feel confident, otherwise she would know and feel that I was uneasy and didn't quite trust her abilities. so I went for it. I laid her in her crib, gave her the loveys and covered her with her blanket.

Eden, I love you. I'm so proud of you. You are a brave and smart girl. It's time for you to fall asleep all by yourself. Let me know if you need me. I love you *kiss, close door*

She whined, and by whine, I mean no crying, just sad noises. It lasted for less then two minutes. 

Let me type that again: two minutes!
I wasn't in tears. She wasn't in tears. She was asleep. Just like that. Asleep.

That night, we did the same thing. Same. Exact Thing.
Except this time, she only whined for 30 seconds.

It was a complete miracle!

And that's it. That's seriously it. It wasn't a five day process full of heartache and tears. It wasn't a traumatic experience for either of us.





Now that's not to say since then we haven't had bouts here and there.

I have gone back in when she cries. If it escalates to some sad tears and crying, I go in. If she calls my name, I go in. I don't care how quiet or loud she says, mama, I want her to know I hear her, and I am there for her.

When I go in, if she needs to be picked up and hugged and rocked and nursed all over again. I'll do it. Surprisingly, it's been really easy to tell what she needs. Sometimes it's just a kiss. Sometimes it's the whole shebang. But regardless, I let her know how proud of her I am for letting me know she needed me, then proceed to tell her how brave and smart she is, and that I know she can do it!


happy mama...


I've been so happy with my results. Since then, she would only wake up a few times a night. Every week got less and less. I would go in and nurse her and rock her, then put her back in her crib each time she woke.

Then all the sudden, she slept through the night.
Guys, the entire night. I felt like a new woman. After that, we eliminated nightly feedings (because she was simply using me as a binky, not even nursing anymore). Which, I did through the same method, simply talking it through with her.
And now she has been sleeping through most nights!

It's been over two years, and I'm finally getting some sleep.
Let me remind you how amazing it is. I forgot. I literally forgot how amazing sleep is.
So here is to everyone that cares, and mainly as documentation for when the next one comes around:

We did it.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

long time no blog

Where to begin?
It's been a while. I know.
You can only imagine everything that's happened in the past six months.
Let me get you up to date.

entrepreneurship.
August-December 2016.

Ya know, people don't get enough credit for starting their own business.
IT IS HARD. Holy cow. You devote your whole life to it. There are no vacations, no breaks, and it doesn't stop at 5PM or on weekends. It is grueling work.

Which is why I am incredibly proud of Kevin for choosing this journey.
It has been such a blessing in our lives. We both learned so much. In fact, he was able to grow in ways unimaginable. He did everything on his own: from marketing to finances and everything in between. Except for his business cards, I'll take credit for those. Most importantly, he found something he was passionate about.

Kick starting his career, we discovered he was spread too thin, and that he wanted to really focus all of his efforts in one area. So, we decided to hold off expanding his business in order to pursue this path. And boy did that feel good.

making lemonade. 
January-February 2017. 

These two months were some of the most shaping that I've experienced as an adult.
They consisted of the most humbling, rewarding, and tender moments that I will forever treasure.
Because of this, I have to write about. I have to document the monumental impact it had on me. But I will also do my best to keep what needs to be private, private.

Kevin and I were blessed to spend some great quality time was the coolest six-year old boy, and sweetest 4-year old girl. Their family was going through some medical issues, and we were able to spend day-in and day-out with them. Eden absolutely loved it. They treated her like a queen. And she soaked it all up.

At this time, there were a lot of lemons being tossed around, if you know what I mean. But we witnessed miracles, and our situation, as well as theirs, was blessed tremendously. Each day was proof of all the lemonade in the making. 

I can't tell you enough how aware our Father in Heaven is of us. My faith in Him has been forever changed. I am so incredibly blessed to have this family share the most intimate parts of their lives with us. It has been unforgettable. And I am so grateful for the time I was able to be taught by these two wonderful kids. It really gives me hope in our future, in our trials, and hope in the plan that is laid out for us. I love this family. And I love the lessons taught and blessings brought through them.

and, once again... 
March 2017.

We've moved. Say what? Yes. The best way to pursue Kevin's career, and the most adventurous way, was to move. You could say we like to switch things up every now and again. We could have stayed in AZ, but decided we wanted to get a taste of COLORADO.

That's right! We moved to Parker, CO. And I wouldn't be surprised if we move again and again, only because it's so much fun (and when I say fun I mean not so fun, but that's for another post). It's a good thing we're with the right company, that suites our lifestyle. Who knows, maybe we'll move to San Fransisco next or even North Carolina. All I know is the beach is already calling our names.

goodnight kisses

Before we left to Utah for the weekend, Eden was sleeping horribly. I promised Kevin I would try and figure out a better sleeping arrangement and hopefully get this girl on track. There was no point doing it before we left, and little did we know:

she was getting a molar.  

night one.
September 7, 2016.

While we were away, I noticed her new tooth! It all made so much sense. That's why she had been sleeping so horribly. If only I had known before I made that promise... 


I began our routine as usual.
we went into the bedroom
closed the curtains
plugged in a night-light
turned on the fan
changed her diaper
threw on her pj's

I nursed her like I always do.

We laid there, just like any other night.
Then I just felt compelled to put her in the pack-n-play.

Can I just tell you how much my mind and my heart were screaming at me, Don't do it!
It was so hard. I started to cry. I didn't understand why I was going to do what I was about to. But somewhere other than my heart and mind said, You know it's time mama. 

I laid there and cried. I kept telling her how much I loved her.
I love you. I love you so much. Mommy loves you, Eden.

I picked her up, sobbing, and held her.
She rested her head on my shoulder.
Mommy loves you, Eden. Mommy loves you. I love you. 

I placed her in the pack-in-play, and softly told her to lay down.
She sat up crying, reaching for me.
I gave her a kiss on the forehead and said goodnight.

I closed the door.

I sat outside the room against the wall as my baby cried.
She cried like I had never heard before.

She feels abandoned. She thinks I left her, and I'm never coming back.
I love her. I hope she knows I love her.

Two minutes later, it was quiet.

Two. Minutes.

cry it out. 
 

Let me clarify.

This process sucked. She only cried for two minutes. That's shorter than she cries when she stubs her toe, don't get me wrong, that's some serious stuff, but seriously? Two minutes?

However, I still consider it "crying it out" because this mama, unfortunately, cried for two hours after those measly two minutes. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know that the name was given for the mom, not the baby...

Call me crazy, a basket case, or what have you.

But there is nothing, and I repeat, nothing wrong with that.
I'm allowed to be emotional. I'm allowed to be sad. I'm allowed to want to feel needed. I'm even allowed to go back in, pick her up, and cuddle her on the bed. Which is exactly what I did.

I feel like there always some sort of shaming when it comes to parenting.
She's fine, she only cried for two minutes. Pull yourself together.
Guess what, she may be fine, but I'm not. And that matters too.

Call me selfish, sure.
But anxiety attack, after attack, after attack, I finally had the courage to say,
This is not for me. 

And ya know what? That's okay.
It's okay that she did fine, but it's not okay, that I didn't.

So what are we going to do?

I don't know. 

but tonight...

I'll began our routine as usual.
we'll go into the bedroom
close the curtains
plug in a night-light
turn on the fan
change her diaper
throw on her pj's

and nurse her like I always do.

We'll lay there, just like any other night.
She'll fall asleep, safe and sound, next to her mommy.
And I'll still give her a goodnight kiss.


I love you, Eden. 

365 days old

Kevin and I woke up early, with Eden's laying between us, slobber and all. We just stared at her, waiting for her to feel it and wake up. Today was big day--it was her birthday! When she I finally I woke up, she knew something was different... we were awake too. You could see it on her grin. We sang her happy birthday and gave her all the kisses you could imagine.

Let the celebration begin!

balloons.

The day could only begin one way--with balloons! I brought her out to the front room, she immediately lit up and begged to be put down on the the ground so we could play with them! She hadn't had very many experiences with them before, at least anything she'd remember. She would effortlessly pick them up, only to try and bite them. We all know how that ends...

After her party with the balloons, we had breakfast. 
I told her she could have all the blueberries she wanted--her favorite.
She would've eaten the whole case, so technically I lied, and just gave her more than usual.  

blooming cactus.  
 

Kevin called me crazy. But is it too much to ask for a good picture on her birthday? Does every wife and mother experience this? Maybe my demands were a little outrageous, considering I found the perfect backdrop in a stranger's lawn. I mean come on, it had a blooming cactus!

We wanted her to dig into her cake, but she wasn't too into the whole idea--then again she didn't know what she was missing out on. So, we'd try again later. And, at least we got ONE nice picture.

the park.

We thought we'd change locations, for obvious reasons, and go to the park. Maybe then she'd dig in.

She wouldn't try the cake. She must have known it was healthy. She took one bite of the frosting, and decided she had enough. For now. 

 But she was rather entertained by the dirt. 
That's my girl.

  Don't worry, we stopped her before she made it to the road. I think she was telling us she had had enough of all the pictures. But we couldn't help watching her explore. Just look at her. 

For the rest of the day we napped and played to her heart content.

third times the charm...

We made a special dinner, one I knew she'd love: spaghetti and meatballs. Then came out the cake, with one handful of frosting missing. We ditched the flowers, and sang her happy birthday. Her hands when up in the air and clapped so happily, knowing we were giving her our full attention.

Have at it little girl.

It looks like she demolished the cake, but in reality, she just pretended to eat it and it all ended up on the floor. That girl didn't take a single bite. But you can bet your bottom dollar she did for breakfast the next day.

We video called my family and sang happy birthday again. We opened presents and this girl was in heaven. We would have to distract her and hide the gift she just opened in order to get her to pay attention to the next. She got a beautiful quilt from Mamaw, block shapes from Papaw & Benser, farm toys and a plush whale from Nee Nee, and all the clothes a girl could dream of from Grandma and Grandpa Jensen.

We really had a great day spoiling her. Tears were shed throughout the day. A lot of them.

That night while lying Eden down for bed. I cried. I cried, because she's not as old as she was yesterday. I cried when she crawled. I cried when she began to eat solids. I cried when she rolled over. I cried when she could sit up. I cried when she could support her head. And that night, I cried. My heart is so full, so overwhelmed with love and joy for that little one. I don't want a day to pass by without telling her I love her. Kissing her cheeks or squeezing her tight. 365 days have passed, and I pray she knows how much I love her. And although I don't want her to grow a single day older, I can't wait to see what this tiny babe accomplishes in her days to come.

I love you baby girl.