goodnight kisses

Before we left to Utah for the weekend, Eden was sleeping horribly. I promised Kevin I would try and figure out a better sleeping arrangement and hopefully get this girl on track. There was no point doing it before we left, and little did we know:

she was getting a molar.  

night one.
September 7, 2016.

While we were away, I noticed her new tooth! It all made so much sense. That's why she had been sleeping so horribly. If only I had known before I made that promise... 


I began our routine as usual.
we went into the bedroom
closed the curtains
plugged in a night-light
turned on the fan
changed her diaper
threw on her pj's

I nursed her like I always do.

We laid there, just like any other night.
Then I just felt compelled to put her in the pack-n-play.

Can I just tell you how much my mind and my heart were screaming at me, Don't do it!
It was so hard. I started to cry. I didn't understand why I was going to do what I was about to. But somewhere other than my heart and mind said, You know it's time mama. 

I laid there and cried. I kept telling her how much I loved her.
I love you. I love you so much. Mommy loves you, Eden.

I picked her up, sobbing, and held her.
She rested her head on my shoulder.
Mommy loves you, Eden. Mommy loves you. I love you. 

I placed her in the pack-in-play, and softly told her to lay down.
She sat up crying, reaching for me.
I gave her a kiss on the forehead and said goodnight.

I closed the door.

I sat outside the room against the wall as my baby cried.
She cried like I had never heard before.

She feels abandoned. She thinks I left her, and I'm never coming back.
I love her. I hope she knows I love her.

Two minutes later, it was quiet.

Two. Minutes.

cry it out. 
 

Let me clarify.

This process sucked. She only cried for two minutes. That's shorter than she cries when she stubs her toe, don't get me wrong, that's some serious stuff, but seriously? Two minutes?

However, I still consider it "crying it out" because this mama, unfortunately, cried for two hours after those measly two minutes. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know that the name was given for the mom, not the baby...

Call me crazy, a basket case, or what have you.

But there is nothing, and I repeat, nothing wrong with that.
I'm allowed to be emotional. I'm allowed to be sad. I'm allowed to want to feel needed. I'm even allowed to go back in, pick her up, and cuddle her on the bed. Which is exactly what I did.

I feel like there always some sort of shaming when it comes to parenting.
She's fine, she only cried for two minutes. Pull yourself together.
Guess what, she may be fine, but I'm not. And that matters too.

Call me selfish, sure.
But anxiety attack, after attack, after attack, I finally had the courage to say,
This is not for me. 

And ya know what? That's okay.
It's okay that she did fine, but it's not okay, that I didn't.

So what are we going to do?

I don't know. 

but tonight...

I'll began our routine as usual.
we'll go into the bedroom
close the curtains
plug in a night-light
turn on the fan
change her diaper
throw on her pj's

and nurse her like I always do.

We'll lay there, just like any other night.
She'll fall asleep, safe and sound, next to her mommy.
And I'll still give her a goodnight kiss.


I love you, Eden.