simply jensen: welcoming our little flower

The nurse hooked me up to a non-stress test. They had done so previously, except this time, something was off, so they sent me back for a more inclusive ultrasound. They tested the baby in five areas. In the womb, the placenta provides nutrients to the baby. Mine was deteriorating at a more than comfortable rate. Babies are also supposed to be practicing their breathing techniques, she wasn't. She was also very limp, and they are suppose to be curled up, tightly, in a ball. On top of all that, her heart rate kept dropping off for extended periods of time. As a mom, no one wants to hear their baby is no longer thriving inside of them. When my midwife told me that she collaborated with other doctors to confirm the findings, I knew that today was going to be the day, and so did she.

***Note: This is a birth story. Read at your own discretion.***

My mom was there with me. I broke down in tears. My midwife told us that today was the day. They decided to check me to see what my best option for birth was. I was completely closed (not dilated) and 0% effaced. Not exactly promising circumstances for an induction; I felt like a c-section was inevitable. This broke my heart even more. I had been feeling contractions, and thought I would be able to go on my own for days now. So to find out my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to, made me doubt myself. I would have to be induced, and it was going to be today. She told us to go straight to the hospital for an emergency induction. After 289 days, 41+3 weeks, this baby was coming out.

today was the day.
July 20,2015.

I called Kevin, who had just arrived at work, as we left the office I told him to meet me at home. I knew I was supposed to go straight to the hospital, but I really needed some time to regroup and find my center. I really needed my husband. I needed him now. I made my mom drive me home. We rode in silence. Didn't say a word. At least I didn't hear a word. I was sobbing. We got home and gathered our things. Kevin came through the door and immediately embraced me. I melted. I was scared. Full of fear. Disappointment. Failure. All my emotions were colliding. Despite my emotions, we did just as we practiced. We grabbed our hospital bag and made for the door. Kevin, of course, was fearless, strong, and most importantly calm. He helped me to come back together, and realize that our baby girl would be here: today.

Despite the rough change of plans, we were able to cope. I had practiced Hypnobabies,with the help of my mother-in-law. I knew plans were going to change, and I learned through this program how to handle them. I had my birth plan already sent to the hospital, and had two extra copies with me, just in case. My midwife assured me I could still have the birth I wanted. The only difference would be that I would have this magic medicine inside me to help me dilate-nothing else. I could still labor in the tub, I could still walk around, not be hooked up to monitors, and I'd be able to move freely and labor in whatever position I wanted. This was important to me. Hospitals freaked me out. I did want to feel confined, or like I was sick. I was having a baby! I wasn't dying. It's completely natural, I wanted it to stay as natural as possible.

When we arrived, my midwife came in and got me settled, she said she'd be back when things picked up. My nurse was great! The room accommodating and my mind put as ease. So all was going well.

the induction.

They placed the medicine inside me. It would stay for 12 hours per dose. My midwife thought I would need at least two dosages. To say the least, we were prepared for a very long night. Every twenty minutes the nurse would use the doppler to check my baby's heart rate. But, it didn't take long before I was hooked up with IVs, oxygen, monitors, and confined to my bed. I didn't have much time before things picked up. Typically a contraction may last up to a minute and have about a minute in between, roughly. I began to experience contractions that lasted several minutes, would have multiple contractions inside of one and only had a ten second break before it repeated itself. There was no way I'd need a second dose, I wouldn't even finish the first. This baby would be coming in the next hour! Or so I thought. My nurse found it funny; apparently this wasn't her first rodeo and knew I'd be here for much longer than an hour.

I listened to the Hypnobirthing CDs and practiced my techniques to help me stay calm and relaxed. Contractions were not a bad thing, they were waves of pressure that came and went. My body was preparing for birth and this was one of the first steps. Birth is natural. I got this. There came a point where I needed help to be guided through my pressure waves. I needed Kevin, really. I would pull him close and have him talk to me. He would speak to me and I would immediately relax. I needed him by my side more than anything or anyone else.

It became more difficult when the nurses would come in and tell me to switch sides. I had to be in a specific position for my baby girl, otherwise her heart rate would drop off. We all consistently watched the monitor, trying to make sure she was okay, watching each beat register on the monitor. Too many times did her HR fall below the line and I was changed into another position. This worry made it hard for me to be focused, yet relaxed. I found myself easily tensed by my concern for this little human. Having to stay completely still during childbirth was very hard, but to add on the stress of the health of my baby, it was almost too much to handle.

Kevin made sure to keep me relaxed. He laid by my side and talked to me, held me and gave me exactly what I needed. My mom was there holding my hand, and Wendy telling me positive affirmations. I had the perfect support team.

you can't be serious.

I tried everything I could. I had to lay on my side in a specific position without moving, so whatever place I was in, Kevin would rub my back and give as much counter pressure as he could. I would squeeze his hand, and he would squeeze mine. I never felt more connected to him and to myself than during these hours. Every five minutes or so, they'd rotate me, and the process would continue. All I wanted was to be in the tub, walk around, and work through the pressure waves, but I couldn't.

Ten hours had passed and the nurses had not slowed their speed at entering the room. They decided my body was responding to the medicine in a negative way and took it out. When they did, they checked me.

I was at a one.

It took me ten hours to get to a one. I, once again, broke down. How was I supposed to birth this baby? My confidence was fading, I couldn't stop thinking about an inevitable cesarean section. And on top of it, my pressure waves didn't slow, but only picked up. My baby girl was in distress and I couldn't birth as effectively as I hoped. I remember feeling completely broken. On the happiest day of my life, I felt like a failure.

An hour later, I decided that I wanted an epidural. There was no way I could handle this discomfort for thirty more hours, and if I ended up in a c-section, I was determined to see my baby. That was the most important thing to me. I had planned to go without medication, but that's okay. Plans change, and I was at peace with the decision. I told my mom to tell the nurse. And although I was at peace with my choice, I felt that I had let down Kevin. He wanted an un-medicated birth as much as I did. I just kept apologizing and saying that this is what I needed. Of course, he calmed my troubled heart and brought me back to my center.

The nurse came in, reluctant to tell me she talked to my midwife, who said I could only receive one if I was at a three. We all knew that was impossible. It took me ten hours to get to a one, there was no way I had progressed enough in one hour to get me to a three. She checked me anyway and confirmed that I was at a three! I could receive an epidural! That was the best news we had heard the whole day.

Twenty minutes later, the anesthesiologist came in to give me my epidural. I wanted Kevin there as my support person. But I couldn't help but think that my tail bone was breaking. It hurt so bad. I kept repeating it over and over. Wendy told the nurse and I told her, "I'm either gonna poop, or pop out a baby. And we BOTH know I ain't poppin out a baby anytime soon." I laughed. The nurse didn't. She said she wanted to check me again. Yeah no, that wasn't the most pleasant feeling. I asked if she could wait til after I received my epidural so I wouldn't feel it. She declined the suggestion, and checked me.

To everyone's surprise, I was at a ten. I was complete.
In twenty minutes I went from a three to a ten.
You're kidding me, this baby is coming!

I did not receive the epidural and my midwife was quickly in the room. Apparently she never left. She was waiting at the hospital the whole time. She too thought it would be an inevitable c-section, and was happy to see that I had completed. We were both overjoyed.

please, stop counting.

Eight nurses rushed in, all hovered around me while my midwife guided me through my urges to push. As you can imagine, being my first child, I didn't know how to help push the baby out. The nurses kept telling me to push, hold my breath and they wouldn't stop counting. All things I didn't feel comfortable with. Not to say birthing a baby is the most comfortable thing. I had previously decided I wanted to birth on all fours to have gravity help her, but when I asked, the nurses refused, and told me that it wasn't how women have babies, but instead on their backs. I was shocked she would say that! I told my midwife I was birthing on all fours and she graciously consented. However, by this time another doctor came in with a vacuum to help assist her birth. Her HR dropped for five minutes, and they couldn't find it. so I needed to flip back over onto my back, and have this baby like a "woman"... Before the doctor wanted to use the vacuum, I finally decided to do what my gut was telling me along, and I shamelessly yelled at the nurses. I told them to stop counting, and telling me to push, I needed to work with my body, not against it. I needed to feel the urge and help the urge, not waste all my energy trying to push a baby during the breaks. I caught my breath and breathed through each pushing urge. My body finally starting doing what it needed to do, and my baby was coming!

our first introduction.

I remember feeling her head for the first time. She had so much hair. This was real, she was almost here. After 40 minutes of pushing, she popped out too quick for Kevin and I to catch her. However, when I saw her for the first time, she had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck three times and her abdomen once. She was blue. My midwife unwrapped the cord, and the nurses stimulated her body and she let out the most beautiful cry. Placed right on my chest, I held my beautiful daughter for the very first time.

It was so surreal. It was like holding a little angel. Her tiny body pressed up on mine, looking for comfort and security. Her body was taking in a whole new world, sounds, smells, light, colors, textures. She was overwhelmed, and so was I. I would just look at her, and then look at her again and again. Kevin was awe struck by this little life we had created. This little human was ours.

After the cord stopped pulsing, Kevin cut the cord. I remember it being an emotional moment. She was no longer the baby I knew for the past nine months. She was on her own, so it felt, in this scary world. She was ready to be out and experience what it has to offer, the good, the bad, the sights, and smells. She was ready to start a new chapter. A chapter that everyone else viewed as chapter one. I was just lucky enough to be able to experience the preface.

It wasn't much longer after that I nursed her for the very first time. The midwife was there to help us along. For such a foreign experience, it felt so natural. I knew I wanted to breastfeed, and I'm so happy I tried it. It has been one of the largest blessings for us during this journey.

blessings.

We were admitted to the hospital for 48 hours. I tested positive for GBS during pregnancy. And since I was allergic to the medicine, and resistant to the second options, they wanted to give me another alternative to help protect her from infection while in the birth canal. I still hadn't decided if I wanted to get it because the chances were slim and the side effects were not menial by any means. Because her birth happened so quickly, they weren't able to administer it to me. So instead, they would monitor us and hopefully, everything would be just fine. It was.

The hospital was magical. The nurses were so kind and loving. We didn't want to leave after two days. We ate so well, Kevin too! The cafeteria had the best midnight snacks to keep us awake. We didn't want to sleep. We couldn't. We just wanted to look at her and admire her tiny little self. We knew if we fell asleep, we'd have to put her down in the bassinet. Why would I want to do that? I wanted to be with her every second. The nurse insisted we get some sleep, or we'd be regretting it later. She kindly propped the entire bed with pillows to create a little barrier, to ensure I couldn't drop her. We slept those tow days together, just like that. Never did she have to sleep in the bassinet, we were that obsessed.

all in all...

Her birth was the most empowering experience I have ever completed. I have never felt so strong, connected, and important than during those moments. Words cannot explain the emotions that filled my heart that day. There's something amazing that happens in those hours.
Something so wonderful and so grand.