Today, I take a break from playing catch up in life, to hesitantly write about this:
“In moments of discouragement, defeat, or even despair, there are always certain things to cling to. Little things usually: remembered laughter, the face of a sleeping child, a tree in the wind — in fact, any reminder of something deeply felt or dearly loved. No man is so poor as not to have many of these small candles. When they are lighted, darkness goes away — and a touch of wonder remains.”
— Tombstone inscription in Britain
“In moments of discouragement, defeat, or even despair, there are always certain things to cling to. Little things usually: remembered laughter, the face of a sleeping child, a tree in the wind — in fact, any reminder of something deeply felt or dearly loved. No man is so poor as not to have many of these small candles. When they are lighted, darkness goes away — and a touch of wonder remains.”
— Tombstone inscription in Britain
summer blues?
I thought that moving to Arizona would help my depression. I thought I wouldn't have to really deal with it. I attributed it to the dreary, cold winter days in Utah and Idaho. I thought spending my days in the sun, soaking in the Vitamin D and staying active would all make it dissipate into a thin wisp of air. What I didn't realize, was that it was more me than my environment. It's more than the weather, it's more than activity--it's my mindset. Don't get me wrong, those are most definitely contributing factors, but how can I fight depression, when I refuse to see the good? When I refuse to appreciate the small and simple things?
The truth is, I don't think I've been fighting it. At least for the past few years. I've let it become buried in the back of my mind, distracting myself from what the real issues were. And as I write, I see more clarity.
You see, today was awful. But not really. I woke up on time, made breakfast, played with my sweet daughter, had snacks, colored, took a nap, ate lunch, went to the pool, laughed on the bed, played with toys, and welcomed Dad through the door. We ate dinner and went to bed. She napped well, played well, ate well, and yet here I am. Here I am, feeling awful.
time to start looking.
I see a woman who feels the monotony of life. A woman who sees a child, instead of past the child. A woman living in the present, without recognition of the future. I see a woman who doesn't understand her role as a mother. Or at least isn't grateful for the opportunity to be one.
As much as it pains me to write, I can replay the day and see a woman staring at her child while she tries to show her awesome toys. She didn't even try to interact. She just laid there, watching, not even really paying attention. She took her to the pool, in hopes that it was help pass the time. She let her explore all on her own at the splash pad as she sat idly aside.
I see a woman who is struggling to see the gift and privilege of being a mother.
I wish I could hit rewind today. But the truth is I can't. I can't go back to try and engage with my sweet girl. Trying to teach her new tricks, and interact with her every discovery. I wish I would have splashed in the water with her, and accompanied her on her adventure. I wish I would have laid a little longer on the bed and tickled her a little harder. Because that laugh and that smile is the only part of today that had me smiling from ear to ear.
Some may say a lot. Others may say nothing at all. Somedays are like today, and others are not. But we'll have more days like today. Days where I can't get myself to get up, and get dressed. Days where it takes everything out of me to just sit there at let life pass me by.
But there will also be days where I will not regret the time spent with my baby girl. There will be better days. That's the difference, you see?
I can't live life telling myself, "Is this what the rest of my life will be like? Why am I doing this? Why am I wasting my day away? Why is this so important? Why can't I live the life I've always wanted?"
I can't do that. I won't do that. Because the truth is, this is the life I've always wanted.
There is something to motherhood, that keeps us going. Keeps us drawn home. If there wasn't, I wouldn't be home. I'd let someone else do it, so I could fulfill a hole somewhere else. When I think of it that way, I realize that I don't want anyone else to be what I am to Eden. I don't want anyone else to wake up with her in the morning and get ready. I don't want anyone else to sit with her during meal and snack times. I don't want anyone else to play with her, go on walks with her, swim at the pool with her. I don't want anyone else to do those things, while I spend my time somewhere else. I want to do all those things with her. I want to cherish all the laughs, squeals, smiles. I want to be by her side when she walks for the first time. When she finally says mama, and the day she chooses a veggie over a piece of fruit. I don't want to miss any of that.
So maybe today was just a bad day. Maybe it was a day that I let all the negativity get to me. Maybe it was a day that got my spirits low. But today, I am grateful for today. I am grateful for this blog. Because if I hadn't started writing, I might have still not seen all he little candles that have made my day bright, and that will continue to do so.
There are gonna be bad days, I get it. But I can always look for the small and sweet blessings of each day that are presented through my sweet baby girl. I want to see the good. Maybe it's time I start looking for it.
As much as it pains me to write, I can replay the day and see a woman staring at her child while she tries to show her awesome toys. She didn't even try to interact. She just laid there, watching, not even really paying attention. She took her to the pool, in hopes that it was help pass the time. She let her explore all on her own at the splash pad as she sat idly aside.
I see a woman who is struggling to see the gift and privilege of being a mother.
I wish I could hit rewind today. But the truth is I can't. I can't go back to try and engage with my sweet girl. Trying to teach her new tricks, and interact with her every discovery. I wish I would have splashed in the water with her, and accompanied her on her adventure. I wish I would have laid a little longer on the bed and tickled her a little harder. Because that laugh and that smile is the only part of today that had me smiling from ear to ear.
Some may say a lot. Others may say nothing at all. Somedays are like today, and others are not. But we'll have more days like today. Days where I can't get myself to get up, and get dressed. Days where it takes everything out of me to just sit there at let life pass me by.
But there will also be days where I will not regret the time spent with my baby girl. There will be better days. That's the difference, you see?
I can't live life telling myself, "Is this what the rest of my life will be like? Why am I doing this? Why am I wasting my day away? Why is this so important? Why can't I live the life I've always wanted?"
I can't do that. I won't do that. Because the truth is, this is the life I've always wanted.
There is something to motherhood, that keeps us going. Keeps us drawn home. If there wasn't, I wouldn't be home. I'd let someone else do it, so I could fulfill a hole somewhere else. When I think of it that way, I realize that I don't want anyone else to be what I am to Eden. I don't want anyone else to wake up with her in the morning and get ready. I don't want anyone else to sit with her during meal and snack times. I don't want anyone else to play with her, go on walks with her, swim at the pool with her. I don't want anyone else to do those things, while I spend my time somewhere else. I want to do all those things with her. I want to cherish all the laughs, squeals, smiles. I want to be by her side when she walks for the first time. When she finally says mama, and the day she chooses a veggie over a piece of fruit. I don't want to miss any of that.
So maybe today was just a bad day. Maybe it was a day that I let all the negativity get to me. Maybe it was a day that got my spirits low. But today, I am grateful for today. I am grateful for this blog. Because if I hadn't started writing, I might have still not seen all he little candles that have made my day bright, and that will continue to do so.
There are gonna be bad days, I get it. But I can always look for the small and sweet blessings of each day that are presented through my sweet baby girl. I want to see the good. Maybe it's time I start looking for it.
This was the only picture I took of her today. I took it so fast, and thought nothing of it. I look at it now, and I see a sweet girl with those beautiful eyes. How did I miss that look on her face. So sweet. So precious.
Oh Shaylee, I just get you. I love you, I love this post. Thanks for sharing, and keep on keeping, sister! I remember when I first stayed home with Caity, it was a huuuuge adjustment and your post brought back a flood of memories and frustrations that have kind of faded with time, I'm not saying I don't struggle at all now, but I can say- I don't struggle with the same things, I've grown, I've learned and like you, I look back on that time and not only remember all those sweet little moments, but I also get to see how far my understanding and appreciation in my role as a mother have come. It IS a different journey for everyone, but thanks for sharing yours- you inspire me! Aaaaand, how's that for the longest comment ever? haha. Love you, and love that Eden girl! Keep on blogging!! I LOVE IT!
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